Introduction

Everyone makes mistakes growing up, right? It’s a part of life, a part of figuring out who you are and what’s right and wrong. But sometimes those mistakes leave a mark, a lingering “what if” that pops up when you least expect it. This post isn’t about dwelling on the past, it’s about owning it, learning from it, and using those experiences to shape the future. Because despite the bumps and bruises along the way, I’m pretty damn happy with the person I’ve become.

“The Thing”

Okay, so this one is a bit mysterious, even for those who’ve been following my story. “The Thing” is a bit of a codeword for a secret I’ve kept hidden for a long time. It happened when I was just 8 or 9 years old, and it was the first time I seriously hurt myself. This secret has cast a long shadow over my life, causing problems in my childhood and beyond. It was a major concern for my foster parents and even played a part in me being sectioned.

Even though it only happened twice, the memory and the consequences linger. It’s a constant reminder of a past I can’t change. But there’s a glimmer of hope on the horizon. In 2025, there might be a medical solution, a chance to finally fix the physical scars left by “The Thing.”

What I Learned:

• Depression doesn’t discriminate: I was struggling with serious mental health issues at a very young age, even if I didn’t have the words to describe it then.
• Desperate times call for desperate measures: My actions were a misguided attempt to fix something I was being bullied about, and it led to permanent damage.
• Healing takes time: Sometimes, you have to live with the consequences of your actions, but it’s never too late to hope for healing, both physically and emotionally.

The Medication Merry-Go-Round

As a kid, I was basically a walking pharmacy. ADHD meds, sleeping pills, anxiety meds, antipsychotics – you name it, I probably took it. They even started medicating me when I was just 7 years old. Looking back, I can’t help but wonder if all those pills played a role in my mental health taking a nosedive. (I’ve got a whole other blog post brewing about that – stay tuned!)

What I Learned:

• Kids will be kids: Were my parents and teachers just too quick to label my energy and creativity as a problem?
• Medication isn’t always the answer: While medication can be helpful for some, it shouldn’t be the go-to solution for every child who’s struggling. We need to consider the long-term effects and prioritize therapy alongside medication.
• Children deserve a voice: At 7 years old, I didn’t really understand what I was taking or why. We need to make sure kids are informed and involved in decisions about their own treatment.

Pushing Mum to the Edge

This one’s tough to swallow. I carry a lot of guilt about how much my siblings and I put my mum through. We pushed her to her breaking point, to the point where she felt she had no choice but to send us to live with our dad. And let’s just say, that’s when things really went off the rails.

Mum, if you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you for putting up with us for as long as you did. You fought tooth and nail to keep us with you, but sometimes even the strongest people need to reach out for support.

What I Learned:

• Even superheroes have limits: Parents are human, and they can only handle so much. It’s okay to ask for help.
• Sometimes, the hardest choices are the right ones: My mum made an incredibly difficult decision, but it was ultimately the best one for everyone involved.

Therapy with CAMHS and the Enigmatic Dr. Nairac

Dr. Nairac, you were a puzzle wrapped in an enigma. I couldn’t seem to find the words to talk to you, to open up about what was going on inside my head. But you know what? You were incredibly perceptive. You made a lot of assumptions, and most of them were spot on. I regret not being able to communicate with you, to have a real conversation.

What I Learned:

• Communication is crucial: Even when it feels impossible, finding a way to express yourself is essential, especially when it comes to mental health.
• Don’t judge a book by its cover: Dr. Nairac might have been a bit unconventional, but they were also brilliant. Sometimes, the people who seem the strangest can offer the most valuable insights.

The Johnsons (Foster Placement 1) – A Well-Intentioned Misstep

My first foster placement was… complicated. While the Johnsons meant well, their inability to accept my sexuality at that young age caused more harm than good. They dismissed my coming out as something I was too young to understand, which only added to the confusion and pain I was already feeling. On top of that, I was struggling with the aftermath of “The Thing,” and I wasn’t ready to accept their support.

What I Learned:

• Good intentions aren’t always enough: Sometimes, even people who want to help can end up hurting you, especially if they don’t truly listen or understand.
• Be true to yourself: Hiding your true identity, even when it’s scary, only creates more pain in the long run.

The Thompsons (Foster Placement 2) – A Glimpse of Family

The Thompsons were a game-changer. They showed me what it meant to be part of a loving, supportive family. For the first time, I felt like I belonged. But my own demons got in the way. My behavior, my ongoing medical issues, and my eventual hospitalization put a strain on the placement. Even though I learned to communicate and was ready to work through my issues after being discharged, the authorities decided to remove me from their care. It felt like having the rug pulled out from under me, and it led to a whole host of problems down the line.

What I Learned:

• Family isn’t always defined by blood: The Thompsons weren’t my biological family, but they gave me the love and acceptance I craved.
• The system can be heartless: Sometimes, even when things are going well, the care system can make decisions that rip families apart.

Mental Health Hospital Admission at KMAH – Hitting Rock Bottom

My admission to KMAH was a turning point, albeit a painful one. Maybe if I had addressed my issues sooner, if I had engaged with the professionals and the Thompsons, things wouldn’t have escalated to that point. I pushed everyone away, and it cost me dearly. I often wonder if I had been discharged sooner, would I have been able to stay with the Thompsons?

What I Learned:

• Mental health matters: Ignoring your mental health can have serious consequences. It’s crucial to seek help when you need it.
• Rock bottom can be a launchpad: Sometimes, you have to hit your lowest point to realize you need to make a change. Hospitalization was a wake-up call, and it ultimately set me on the path to recovery.

I’m Sorry, Jake–Letting Go of a Lost Cause

Jake (not his real name, by the way), I owe you an apology. Even after you made it clear our friendship had run its course, I kept trying to hold on. I kept reaching out, hoping things would go back to the way they were. I’m sorry for not respecting your boundaries and for clinging to a relationship that was no longer healthy.

What I Learned:

• Sometimes, you have to let go: Holding onto people who are no longer good for you only causes more pain.
• Respect is essential: Every relationship needs boundaries and mutual respect to thrive.

To My Father – Forgiveness and Moving On

This one might seem surprising. My dad hasn’t exactly been painted in the best light in my previous posts (to put it mildly). But despite everything, I’m sorry for the way I left things. I’m sorry for the pain I caused, and I’m sorry that your reaction only confirmed why I had to leave.

What I Learned:

• Forgiveness is a superpower: It doesn’t excuse their actions, but it frees you from the burden of anger and resentment.
• Self-preservation is key: Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away from toxic relationships, even if those relationships are with your parents.

The Haze of Addiction – Cannabis and Spice

When I moved back to Thanet after my time at Independence-development Ltd, I fell back into old habits, old friends, and old addictions. First, it was spice (those so-called “legal highs”), which quickly spiraled into a year and a half of chaos and homelessness. Then it was cannabis, a habit that clung to me for years. It’s been a long road, but as of today, February 3rd, 2025, I’m proud to say I’ve been clean for 2 years and 9 months! Those addictions held me back, limited my potential, and caused a ripple effect of problems in my life.

What I Learned:

• Addiction is a beast: It’s a powerful force that can take over your life, but recovery is possible.
• I am stronger than I thought: Overcoming addiction is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it’s proof that I can overcome any obstacle.

Childhood regrets Conclusion

Childhood is messy. It’s full of triumphs and failures, joy and heartbreak, and a whole lot of learning. We all make mistakes, but those mistakes don’t define us. They shape us, they teach us, and they make us who we are. I’m embracing my past, regrets and all, because it’s led me to where I am today. And for that, I’m grateful.